Date: Fri, 7 Apr 1995 10:15:04 -0700 Message-Id: <199504071715.KAA20295@as215-ws-8.UCSC.EDU> To: dreamermom@aol.com Subject: Hi Merryl Cc: davidv@cats.ucsc.edu, lgilman@uclink2.berkeley.edu, stout@cats.ucsc.edu Status: RO Well here I am in Santa Cruz. The quarter has just started. Everything with Adam is still sinking in. He's on my mind all the time, and people are still running into me and asking about him. Last night a bunch of my friends who knew Adam well came over and we watched a video I made back in high school at my house. He had long hair back then and we were constantly bickering with each other. A lot of people tell me how they were always arguing with him. I guess it was just Adam's strong personality shining through. Everything just seems more real in Santa Cruz. I didn't see Adam every day, but we would always be running into each other on campus, and he would come over to my house and we would cook spaghetti, or a curry, and then play chess for a while. Then he would need to start playing his guitar, and he'd go upstairs and jam with Nate. His house was always a pigsty with Ariel and Chris. It is in the middle of the hills too. I remember one time stopping at his house while on the way back from San Francisco and Adam was chilling at home on a Saturday night cooking chicken soup which he shared with everyone. I miss Adam a lot. He was someone I could confide anything to. We both had been through so much shit together that we understood each other and did not hesitate to talk about anything. All those subjects that many friends stop short of never phased us.We talked about our sexual experiences, we talked about Melanie. I never stopped talking with him. We would hop from one topic to the next without a pause. I feel like I learned a lot from him, particularly how to talk to people. I would watch him strike up conversations with whoever was around while I just watched and listened meekly. He always has people around him and something to talk about with them. I learned that when you meet someone new it always helps to get interested in what they're interested in. Sometimes when I'm standing in the line at Safeway and asking the checker how she's doing, or meeting someone new at a party, I look at myself and I'm reminded of Adam. Some of my most pleasant memories are of driving around with Adam in LA, hanging out our friends, and then coming back to his house and sleeping over. We would turn on the Police, or Depeche Mode, or some other band Adam was into at the time, and read some poetry we had written, or just talk for hours about our friends and life in general. I wish I had talked to him about death more than I did. Those nights our own mortalities seemed a very far and distant thing. I remember lying next to Adam in his bed and feeling so comfortable- looking forward to the morning where I'd be eating bagels with locs, and listening to all of Steve's outlandish ideas just chuckling the whole time. Then we'd go into the cabana and play video games. Ariel or Rafi would stop by and I felt so comfortable there and happy. In Santa Cruz Adam had a lot of trouble at first. In the dorms he was going through a lot of adjustment and he seemed really angry all the time. I'm not sure what it was he was so angry at, but I had trouble being his friend sometimes. He was always a prescence no matter what he was doing, and that first year in college he seemed very hurt. I only talked to him via email while I was in Australia, but it sounded like going back home, that music school, and Sierra Institute helped him feel better. When I got back to America he was positive and looking towards the future- playing his guitar all the time and hanging out with his friends. Adam was always such a presence. He just had so much feeling and energy inside him, it always came out powerfully strong. He knew how to push people's buttons and dive right into their souls. People wouldn't always agree with him, but they'd always listen to him and be forced to consider what he had said. You couldn't shrug off Adam's observations because they were too close to the heart. In the end I gotta say that I`m kind of angry at him now. It all seems so selfish of him leaving us all behind. I know there was nothing he could do, but as Lars said he gets to leave without any of the scars of losing a loved one. He's leaving us with all the pain. I lost someone who I could talk to about evertything. Someone who really understood me, and I was going to be hanging out with for a long time. Someone who wouldn't always be next to me, but would always be in my heart. I'm sure someday I'll forgive him for doing this to me, and perhaps there is a place where I'll get to talk to him again. But right now I feel lonely and sad. I feel sad for everyone who knew him. If they knew him half as well as I did they would still have so much to miss. I feel so sad for you and Steve. I didn't know what to say at the funeral and I don't know what to say now. How do I comfort you and make it all better? All I can do is share the pain with you and let you know that you're not alone.